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By : Nikki Savage

I am travelling for a funeral this weekend.  For a young man I love, heart and soul.  And so it is very hard for me to write about anything else with any truth other than this particular feeling of which I am most acutely aware.

Grief is the energy I’m in right now.  It has been playing with me these last couple weeks and I’m preparing for the reality of it to hit.  I know I want to find the highest frequency available to me in this present space.  I don’t really know what I mean by that but I just know there has got to be a way to help me transmute this emotion into something positive in my life.  And in that way I will keep him in my life forever.

Right now the way is not clear.  I’m not ready to look for the light in this.  Not really.  I haven’t let it take me to its darkest places.  Hell, I haven’t fully allowed it to take me anywhere yet.

I’ve been floating out in stormy seas.  Sometimes there is a lull, a calm sort of numbness where my soul is just tired enough to let everything go.  And other times, I’m pulled under by the waves.  I fight them mostly.  But I know the real storm didn’t hit yet.  And when those waves roll through, I’ll need all my strength.  I know I’m going to need to let them roll right through me and change me how they may.  That or break.

I know I won’t make it to any shore unscathed, if I find a shore at all.  I try to have faith.  My faith has always been strong.  But I’m kinda pissed at the universe right now.


I know my only way through this without being bitter is with him.  It is to keep hold of the love we shared, keep hold of what I still have.   Love transcends everything we can think of that separates, that limits, that ends.  It connects, it expands, and it is perpetual.  Infinite.  And I love him.

I hurt everywhere right now. And it is only going to get worse when this actually sinks in.  I refuse to hold on to the anger though.   So I will make sure to keep hold of the love.  So that if this grief can sublimate into something higher, if it can transmute itself into something that keeps him in my everyday, I can be sure it will be something beautiful.

Because I love him. And I always will.



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